you guys were way drunker than both of me
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
