I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
