You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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