my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Dicks are not precious.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
