you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
