Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
