I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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