Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
