TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
