did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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