They should really pass out barf bags in church
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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