This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
