not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
