I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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