He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
