if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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