Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
