He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
