I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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