He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
