I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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