ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
