I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Holy shit dude........stairs
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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