i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
