There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
