I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
