I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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