I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
