hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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