we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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