I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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