He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
