OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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