dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
