he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
