I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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