I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
