dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
