When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
