I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
