John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
