"it" just moved
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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