i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
