i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
