So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
