remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
