So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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