So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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