I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
