Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
