Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
