I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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