good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
