Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
