what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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